I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
