U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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