sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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