bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
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