Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
