You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
