a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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