I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
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