You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
