Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
