i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Randomize
