Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
