it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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