Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
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