my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
