Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
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