there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
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at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
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There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
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