Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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