apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
