My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
