so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
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I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
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You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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