i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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