I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
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You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
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I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
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