I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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