I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
