I could have mohawked her pubes.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Randomize
