i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
