that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
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