Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
