just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
