Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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