Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
