I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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