My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I smell like Dick and happiness
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
