I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
