I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
