When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
