Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
