seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
