Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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