i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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