I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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