I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
