dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Randomize
