Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
