You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
