dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
