I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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