you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Randomize
