I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
