you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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