I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
