Your mouth is God's brothel.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
