I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
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