He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
