they need to just BURY HIM!
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
