new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Randomize
