lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
