i dedicated my morning wood to you.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
